By Dan Kinem
The second I pulled this VHS out of the box and saw the misprinted tape label that read “Foxing Boxing,” I knew this was going to be as cheesy, fun, and sleazy as humanly possible. And it did not disappoint. The whole idea of foxy boxing is genius: take two girls who are as pissed as possible and throw them in a ring with hardly any clothes on. Not only were all the contestants on Foxy Boxing ferocious fighters, but none of them would give up. While their moves of slapping and hair pulling might only do minimal damage compared to professional boxing blows, these women still go through way more than I could ever handle. There’s bloodshed, biting, and boobs a plenty.
What pushes this particular female boxing video above all the rest is the fact the “biggest porn star in the world,” Traci Lords, is the round girl! This was shot before she was found out to be underage and released after she was arrested. Traci looks wonderful and even gets into the action at one point. For those that don’t know, Traci Lords is one of my favorite actresses of all-time, so just the fact she was on this tape made me do everything in my power to get it and watch it.
There are four glorious matches: The luscious Jasmine taking on the delicious Ice Cream Girl; The New Wave Knockout challenging Marilyn, the blonde bombshell; The Fighting Feline taking on the world champion Sugar Ray Renee; and the outrageous Kona the Barbarian letting loose on the Boxing Babe. They pretend to have rules, but the very second the fighting starts not only do their head gear and gloves fly off, they start pulling each others’ hair and body slamming one another. All of their bikini bottoms are tight and their shirts are see-through/non-existent, just the way I like them. And for once, most of the girls are actually attractive.
All of the fights are entertaining, but they go by pretty quickly. The majority of the video is taken up with the girls’ entrances. They come dressed in different outfits, tease the pathetic guys in the audience who actually think the girls care about them, and then strip down to almost nothing to fight. The second and last match are the highlights. The second match, between the New Wave Knockout and Marilyn, is absolutely insane. New Wave Knockout does not know how to fight at all! All she does is flail her arms like a freak and hope to hit something…but she plays dirty. She bites Marilyn’s ass at one point and even gives her a painful-looking wedgie that would paralyze even the strongest of men.
I don’t want to undersell the last match, but it’s one of the best of all-fucking-time. The girls are out for blood and within seconds are topless — boobs bouncing. It gets so intense that Kona grabs Traci Lords, rips her shirt off, and gets her involved with the fight! I don’t know whether or not it was originally intended to show Traci’s boobs, but of course after the scandal they had to cut away from them. Still, Traci and the cleverly-titled, Boxing Babe, are a team you don’t want to step to. They’re the Suge Knight and Tupac of foxy boxing. It’s violent, intense, and rivals any other wrestling match I’ve ever seen. And tell me, where else do you get to see two sweaty, topless fighters wailing on one another for 10 minutes straight?
The sleazy announcer who narrates all the fights is hilarious, too. He makes fun of the referee and the audience nearly the entire time that he isn’t drooling over Traci Lords. “This guy loves Traci, he’s probably seen all her movies and will go home tonight and think about her while he’s laying alone in his wet bed.” He’s the most condescending and snarky bastard, but I love it. One of the girls even tries to attack him at one point and he runs away like a little bitch while still taunting her! It’s priceless.
As advertised, there’s an entire original soundtrack including the classic song, “Foxy Boxing,” which just repeats those words over and over again. The majority of the music sounds like slight variations to the theme song for GUTS. The front of the box says War has a song on the soundtrack, but either they forgot to include it or I was too distracted by the females to hear it. I would have shit if they had played “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” during a match.
This VHS was released in a big box by the super rare company, Premiere Entertainment Group, Inc. (Monster, Chooper, Revenge of the Zombie, Devil’s Nightmare). They formed this sub-label, Main Event Video, for what I’d assume is the sole release under that name. If you’re into girls beating each others’ asses and tearing each others’ clothes off, then this VHS is for you (so it’s for everybody is basically what I’m saying). The fact something like this would never get a DVD release is yet another reason why VHS is the best.