By Dan Kinem
So many things should have scared me away from this one. Not only is Rock N Roll Mobster Girls a nearly two-hour-long shot-on-video comedy, it also features the delusional marketing scheme making itself out to be Spinal Tap 2. I ignored these facts and took it like a man. I didn’t run away when I saw “110 minutes,” rather, I popped this into the player and never looked back. I was determined to conquer this beast, more out of a self-test of endurance rather than for entertainment (similar to that one time I stomached all the Hellraiser films). As the end credits finally rolled I prayed for God to take my life, but looking back now I realize Mobster Girls is proof there is no God. My only purpose in life now is to steer you unsuspecting fools away from this painful, post-Chinese buffet diarrhea shitfest.
(Crisp and clear print)
The movie attempts to be Spinal Tap but with chicks and punk music, except the only problem is they forgot to include the humor that made that original film so great. “Are you ready to be Spinal Zapped?!” Please. Who the fuck are you kidding?
RNRMG takes place in Seattle in the late 80s just before Nirvana took over the scene. The band the movie focuses on is Doll Squad, who was actually a semi-popular band in the 80s (mostly because they played with Nirvana once) and recently reformed in 2008. You can tell the band is having fun making the movie but they aren’t taking it seriously. None of the actors were. I cannot stand when movies are trying to force corny, shit-eating-grin delivered jokes down my throat (see clip below). I feel like I’m watching outtakes from a high school short film rather than watching an actual movie.
It’s a shot-on-video m[r]ockumentary that features interviews with local people around the scene at the time. They are attempting to get to the bottom of what happened to the Doll Squad and where they are currently. According to the film, their manager, Bruno Moltrock (great name), was an insane killer and the band disappeared. Doll Squad are painted to be a notorious and vital band in the scene that rose from eating out of dumpsters to having a song on the radio. Moltrock stops at nothing to make these girls popular and to control them… he even kills everyone who gets in his way. He goes on a slashing spree stabbing different people and eating their guts. Yes, they try to mix cannibalism into this movie for no reason.
Moltrock brainwashes the girls and changes their sound in order to gain popularity. People begin to notice things aren’t right — that the girls aren’t like they used to be — and a couple friends of the band come to the rescue just seconds before Moltrock tries to kill and torture the band members for his own sadistic pleasures. One of the girls in the band is finally able to get revenge on the manager by taking a corkscrew and screwing his head off of his neck. The movie crosses over into poor man’s Troma-terrority when Moltrock still has the ability to talk and his body is still moving around. Moltrock’s body continued to roam around the city and attend shows, annoying all in attendance.
There’s a subplot that tries to be the main supplier of humor where the girls owe money to their crazy landlords, The Count and Countess. The Count’s face is “mutilated” with cotton balls and Band-Aids for some reason. He also chooses to use a fake Arnold accent the entire movie as if he wasn’t annoying enough. No point to this “plot” at all.
This was one of the worst movies I ever sat through. It managed to do every single thing wrong — from the overly long running time, to the flubbing of every single line that is delivered. It runs 110 minutes and features about 40 minutes that don’t even matter. There’s a scene with the one band member’s father where he talks about a lump on his arm for 10 minutes and there’s even a 15 minute scene where a car won’t start. The actors are continually seen laughing during their scenes and oftentimes it will cut an entire poorly delivered chunk of dialogue out so you have no idea what is going on. The humor crosses from not being funny into being painful to listen to. The movie also looks like complete shit. It reminded me of an unintentional “So What’cha Want” video homage.
This VHS is incredibly rare. It was released by Donna Michelle Productions (Cannibal Campout, Attack of the Killer Refrigerator, The Abomination, Woodchipper Massacre, Splatter Farm, and Monsters and Maniacs) and is probably the second rarest release put out by them (the rarest being Monsters and Maniacs, which I need, so help me out if you have that or Splatter Farm). It’s no surprise this is hard to find since I assume anyone who rented it destroyed it immediately. There’s also such a small demand for a comedy on an all-horror label that very few were probably printed. It sucks I had to drop a decent amount of money in order to get this one. Not that I’m not happy I own this, but I think most people who want this honestly don’t know how terrible it is or else they wouldn’t be after it. The cover is fun and it definitely is a cool piece of history, especially for fans of punk and Seattle locals, but it’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched. Stay far away from this one unless I hate you, which, in that case, hunt this bad boy down!
Rick Werner Fahr also made one other movie with Doll Squad after this called Attack of the Hideopoid. I’m dying to watch that one (haha) so hook me up if you have a copy. Don’t even know who released it.