By Dan Kinem
Imagine a world where sex is banned, where all the buildings are made of tubes, where robots sing and dance, and where we have the ability to shrink people. According to this particular film that world was 12 years ago! Cinderella 2000 does what nearly every futuristic film from the 60s and 70s did, it makes outrageous and humorous predictions of what the future will be like, but what sets this movie apart from the rest is there’s singing and dancing! And sex! (despite what I said above)
I did not expect to like this futuristic retelling of Cinderella nearly as much as I did, but master B-movie director Al Adamson (Horror of the Blood Monsters, Satan’s Sadists) knows how to make a damn entertaining and trashy exploitation film! In the year 2047 (I know, I know, the title is Cinderella 2000. The title lied to us all!), Earth is run by an impotent “controller” who thinks fornication is dirty and should be banned. He realizes this method isn’t working when he sees that crime, fornication, and rape have all skyrocketed (no surprise). Despite screaming at the public via TV transmission to, “Cut out the goddamn screwing, I mean it!” no one listens and everyone everywhere is doin’ it.
Because making whoopee has been banned for so long most people don’t even know how to do it, but that doesn’t stop them from trying. They just roll around on top of one another hoping something happens. They try everything, even drawing out diagrams of spaceship-like penises, but nothing works and they are caught by a deeply disturbed sex-hating robot that runs around and stops people from boning, takes them back to his dungeon, bubble-wraps them (?), and then shrinks them for six months as punishment. The only people that are allowed to make love are the second-in-command and random girls decided by a sex lottery.
Now, I bet you’re all asking, “Dan, what the hell does this have to do with Cinderella?” Well, we’re finally introduced to Cindy, her Austrian-sounding mom, and her two bitchy/horny sisters (strangely one of them African American…). The whole family treats Cindy like shit, making her scrub the floors, sew their outfits, and whatnot. Cindy finally gets the day off after three months of straight working and she goes to have a picnic all alone… or so she thinks.
In the future not only is everyone horny, they all gel their hair into weird shapes and wear chrome clothes and huge bows.
godmother godfather comes down in a spaceship to interrupt the picnic and teach Cindy about love and sex. He brings some aliens with him as well as his magic wand, which he uses to turn animals into people with animal costumes on. He sings a song “We All Need Love” which is fucking fantastic and a bunch of humans with bunny, deer, and squirrel costumes dance around, as well as the two weird aliens with giant lips and spaghetti hair that he brought. It is catchy gold that I have been singing all week.
^Creepiest thing ever.
The story pretty much plays out how you’d expect from this point on. The commander is throwing a ball to bring up morale and the fairy godfather gives Cindy a makeover and sends her off but says to be back by midnight or else. She falls in love with the second-in-command and then they are separated at midnight. The only difference is instead of trying to match the right foot to shoe he has to match the right pussy to dick. The strangest part comes when Cindy and her new lover finally get together, her new lover and her fairy godfather force her to give oral sex to the commander in order to make him realize sex isn’t all bad. It was basically on screen rape, but Cindy didn’t seem to mind so it’s all good!
The movie ends with everyone happy and everyone fucking their brains out. I had a blast watching this and it doesn’t drag for even a second. It works perfectly because it has the humor of classic 70s porn with a dash of originality. The filmmakers had to find other ways to entertain besides hardcore sex and through that you get catchy songs, robots, and interesting sets. I highly recommend this for any fans of exploitation. It’s hilarious and Cindy is hot as fuck, no pun intended.
The VHS was released by Super Video in the U.S. with Super Video’s trademark amazing cover art. It’s pretty rare, especially because it was one of their later releases, but it isn’t as in demand as their horror titles or their early clamshells with printed on artwork (though I’m not a huge fan of those personally). Vogue Video also released this film in Canada with the “hotel version” on it which features a voice requiring you to pay after 15 minutes. I’d love to get that version at some point. There’s also a quality DVD out there with commentary by producer Sam Sherman (who we had the pleasure of interviewing for the documentary) and two versions of the film. The only problem with the DVD is the artwork doesn’t come close to the fantastic VHS art.
^You can watch the whole movie above!