By Dan Kinem
Those that are reading this are likely to know the name Donald Farmer by now. He is the director of such infamous horror films as Demon Queen, Savage Vengeance (the unofficial I Spit on Your Grave sequel), and Cannibal Hookers. Vampire Cop happens to be the first film of his we are reviewing and we’ve struck so-bad-it’s-good gold with this one. If the tagline, “He takes a bite out of crime!” doesn’t get you, then the cover with a scantily clad busty female, handcuffs, and a vampire about to bite will.
The movie opens up at a dance club with rockin’ music playing and kids moshing around like fools. I think one of the lines in the song was something like, “Life in the fast lane can be a thrill, till you pass the slow kill” (or something corny like that). After the credits roll you are introduced to some lovely prostitutes partaking in a “best bod” contest and the horny guy who wants to buy them. They leave the contest to go have sex with this guy for money ($600 for both of them to be exact), only problem is their pimp, Hans Geiger, busts down the door lookin’ for that money these bitches owe him! They fell for the old “room service” trick and now they must meet their maker! Bang bang! (Get it? ‘Cause the guy was about to bang two girls but ended up getting shot.)
While this is happening another guy is picking up a girl for a night of fun, at least it was fun until VAMPIRE COP LUCAS comes to save the day. He breaks the guy’s arm in half and takes a huge bite from his neck. While I don’t agree with Vampire Cop Lucas’ methods, he gets the job done. Lucas has been after Hans Geiger for months because he’s the “city’s #1 drug dealer” and with a name like Hans Geiger, who wouldn’t want to kill this guy? “Geiger” was likely picked because that is just a classic/cliche-sounding villain name and “Hans” was probably picked to show the villain had class and a foreign accent.
Lucas’ partner is killed on duty and now this shit becomes personal. He ends up teaming up with reporter, Melanie Roberts (played by the beautiful scream queen, Melissa Moore or “Melissa Moored Cannon” as she’s credited on the front cover), to put a stop to Hans once and for all. During this stretch of the movie Melanie and Lucas have sex, Lucas and some other girl have sex, and Lucas and yet another girl have sex. These are strange methods for a cop, but dammit he gets the job done.
We’re expected to believe this is what an on duty police officer looks like.
One of the most hilarious lines in the movie comes after Melissa Moore’s character finds out the cop’s true identity: “I should have realized this by now, you don’t go out in sunlight, you don’t even cast a reflection in the mirror… you’re a vampire! Aren’t you!?” Aaahh, durrrr.
The movie ends in a battle of slow motion vampires vs. sunlight. It turns out that Hans is also a vampire and he burns up in the sun thanks to Melanie pulling the blinds open. The twist at the end revealing Melanie is also a vampire is a hilariously unnecessary one, but too fun not to like.
Despite what most people say about this movie, it wasn’t shot on video, it was shot on 16mm (it just looks like ass). I don’t understand the almost universal disdain for this movie. It immediately kicks into action, which I love, has an actual plot, has some fun actors (like Mal Arnold aka Fuad Ramses from Blood Feast as Lt. Ryan), tons of nudity (including Melissa Moore!), and doesn’t overstay its welcome. I had a blast watching this and it does everything a movie called Vampire Cop should do. Don’t take the movie so seriously and you’ll definitely enjoy it.
Lucas’s transcension into a vampire looks like he’s taking a huge shit — what’s not to like?
The release that I watched was put out by C/FP (Cineplex/Famous Players) Distribution (though the back has a sticker that says distributed exclusively by Cineglobe Video). Regardless, this is the Canadian release of the movie and features very similar artwork to the U.S. release by Atlas Home Entertainment (but the slight differences make me prefer the Canadian art more). Somewhat surprisingly this movie was never released on DVD, which strikes me as odd considering it wasn’t shot on video, has a few cool horror actors, and has a widely appealing gimmick. If you want to check this movie out, the only place is beautiful VHS!
One of the funniest death’s in the movie befalls Lt. Ryan: