Posts tagged 1980s

By Dan Kinem



Anyone who’s read any of my reviews knows there’s nothing better than a slasher, except for a slasher that was shat-on-hideo that is. The Hackers is one of the rarest of its kind and is likely on most horror fans’ wishlists, if they’ve heard of it. The second I saw the cover I knew I must own this movie, no matter what it took. Thankfully, the hype I built around this was actually met and the movie is a hilarious time capsule of late 80s Michigan that I’m happy to be able to watch and laugh at (and occasionally with)!



The first 20 minutes or so is honestly a gift from God. It opens with a hitchhiker (Dave Duncan) sticking his thumb out for a ride and it getting sliced off by a knife from an oncoming truck… The Hackers repair truck to be exact! The rockin’ theme song, “The Hackers,” kicks right in as you’re introduced to The Hackers Family. You get “Pa” Hacker, the leader of the clan, who is a ridiculous, borderline narcoleptic, 80-year-old man who’s always disgruntled, there’s also Arnie, who “never did grow right” (whatever that means), and finally, the Leatherface of the family, Junior, who bit his tongue off and got chewed up by a chainsaw when he was younger, so now he wears fake, 25 cent novelty teeth and half a tin foil mask.



They spend their time doing odd jobs around town, killing people for fun, and playing on the jungle gym. If someone has a problem with the shoddy job they did on their roof, The Hackers just take a machete and kill the mother fucker. It’s absurd these guys could still be in business since they murder all their customers without getting paid. How do they not get caught? “Pa” even lets Junior and Arnie play around in the daylight at a local park, just minutes after they slit some random punk chick’s throat. It’s pure hilarity to see these two freaks running around with little children, climbing the monkey bars and sliding down slides.



After the glorious playground scene the movie does begin to drag. There are long stretches where literally nothing happens. Characters just walk around mumbling nonsense to themselves. You do get a priceless death scene where a man screams in pain and they use sound effects of a baby crying, but beyond that, the movie doesn’t pick up till the last 25 minutes, where it turns into Straw Dogs. The Hackers begin work on a woman’s house (who would hire them I don’t know) and they harass her and watch her shower. All I could notice is how she didn’t get naked and how her hair is more feathered than a fucking chicken (see cover). She eventually has to make a run for it or else she’d probably get raped by Junior.



She’s chased by the lead characters and has to fight them off one by one. She finally kills them, steals their truck, and is driving away when Junior jumps out of the back and grabs her. It would have been an incredibly dark ending till you find out IT WAS ALL A DREAM and she wakes up!



The movie sticks out above many late 80s slashers because you can feel the sense of community and you honestly feel like everyone, from the housewives to the local drunkards, helped out. It’s great to know that everyone in the town of Croswell, Michigan thought this low budget horror movie was worth working on. Not to mention, none of the people even feel like they’re acting (whether that’s a good thing or not I can’t decide), especially “Pa,” played by Howard Coburn. He really makes the movie, with his constant crotchety attitude and violent behavior. It’s a pleasure to watch the man go from chopping a dude’s shoulder with a machete to reminiscing about his love of boats to taking five naps an hour. I’m sure you’re napping in Heaven, Howie. Thank you.

The Hackers was always on my list of movies I must find. I never thought it would be possible because whenever this bad boy popped up, which was very rarely, it would sell for around the $100 mark. Then the day came where I said “fuck it,” I’m going to win this tape no matter what it takes. I was sick of not owning it and wondering when the next time the damn thing would pop up. So I bid hard. Hard as fuck. I went all out and now I can proudly say it’s mine. Apparently only 3,000 copies were sold back in the late 80s (which can only be assumed is inflated to make it seem more impressive), which makes this a really hard one to come by. It was the sixth release by Camelot Studios, a company that is still around today. They specialized in releasing various shot-on-video projects in the mid-to-late 80s with movies like The Earhunter, Black River Magic, and Black River Monster. I cannot stress enough, if you have the ability to get this tape, do it, because it’s a hard beast to obtain but well worth it. Anyone who appreciates movies like 555, Cannibal Campout, and Sledgehammer will love this film to death. I do wish it would have taken a cue from Black River Monster and only been an hour long, but at 80 minutes it never completely overstays its welcome or gets boring. Overall, it’s a joy to watch and you can buy DVD-R copies and posters (!) straight from Camelot Studios here.

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

By Dan Kinem



There’s some cult rarities that slip through the cracks, then there’s movies like this, that must have literally slipped into a crack in the earth which sent it back to the prehistoric times of the dinosaurs ala the 90s Land of the Lost show, because no one I know has ever said anything about this movie. I’ve never heard this one brought up in conversation or seen someone go after this tape. It doesn’t even have 20 votes or a review on IMDB. I mean, even Hellrollerhad at least one review! I don’t really know why, either, because this movie is a blast.

Despite advertising itself as a horror/sci-fi movie, it plays more like a teens-revolt-against-authority-type of movie (at least until the last 20 minutes). You know it’s going to be a romp, too, when the movie opens with people sliding down staircase railings, jocks slamming nerds into lockers, and even a giant food fight. What the hell is better and less realistic than a giant, entire school food fight?! Only a handful of things, maybe. This food fight sets the principal of the school on a disciplining rampage involving him failing to barb wire the entire school. When the barb wire fails, he finally settles on using mind-controlling experiments on the students. A Harvard graduate, Dr. Gunbow, has developed an experiment where a computer can program a bunch of random notes onto a CD, and when they are played long enough, the students will begin to feel whatever was typed into the computer. This highly plausible and scientifically proven theory actually works, all of the students begin to obey their every wish, except two hooligans.

Enter the pre-Bill and Ted, Bill and Ted (or as they’re known in this movie, Frankie and Crash). They run a Rock ‘n’ Roll radio station (which the principal also shuts down because it is “sexually provocative noise”) and devote their lives to RAWK. They manage to avoid the mind-changing music because they’re always wearing headphones! Blasting that R.O.C.K.! They team up with a nerd to put a stop to the principal and his dirty tricks, but little do they know, they have bigger fish to fry.



The principal writes into the machine that he wants to get rid of all non-violent behavior, because he doesn’t want “a bunch of pacifists.” This causes everyone to go insane and start breaking shit and fighting. There’s even a classic scene where a bunch of girls in a beauty class start beating the shit out of one another and light a girl’s hair on fire. Speaking of classic, nothing in this movie holds a candle to the scene where Crash and Frankie bust into a funky rap in the bathroom about why teachers are jerks for not letting them wear headphones. It’s a miracle on film.



The nerd, through his nerdy investigating, finds out the doctor never actually went to Harvard and that no one has ever heard of this experiment. He also finds out the only way to get them to change back to normal is to play loud music or scare them before orgasm. Crash immediately chimes in with, “I got it! We have everyone pull out their things and start to jerk off….” Then they cut him off for being an idiot, but oh how I wish the movie would have went in that direction. That would have been something to see.

By now the kids have turned into mindless, violent zombies and will stop at nothing to kill these disobeyers. That’s when they unveil the doctor as an alien and he shoots laser beams out of his eyes and freezes the principal.  The doctor even has the line (in case it was unclear since he still looks exactly the same), “Haven’t you figured it out? I’m an alien.” Thanks for clearing that one up, Doc. They run away and happen to find a record player and a loud speaker and through the power of rock ‘n’ roll they save the day. And in the most calm voice, the alien reveals his true form and says, “It was never our intent to harm you. We will meet again” and flies away.



It ends with Frankie and Crash realizing that rock saved everything and that all is back to normal, which causes them to scream BECAUSE THEY HATE ALL NORMAL THINGS! Get it?

I can’t get across to you how fun this movie is. I am so easily bored by bad movies, but this one holds your attention the entire time. It honestly feels like Rock ‘n’ Roll High School with a young Bill and Ted and aliens. Strangely enough, it was directed by one of the three directors of the movie Spookies, Eugenie Joseph, and is a much better and easier to understand movie, too. In America you might have seen it late night under the spoilerific name, Alien High, but for video market the name was changed. If you have the chance to watch this, do it. The VHS was released by Atlas Entertainment Corporation (most famous for releasing the rare Halloween Night aka Hack-o-Lantern). Their releases aren’t very common, but they’re really cool and worth grabbing when you see them. They pack the tapes with trailers and released some very interesting and unheard of films in the 80s and early 90s. Invasion has never been released on DVD and probably never will be. It’s just a lost gem of Canadian cinema that deserves more attention.

By Dan Kinem

Happy Thanksgiving ‘Shitheads! In honor of this great holiday where students are freed from torturous schoolwork and fat lards are given a free pass to get lardier, I present a review for… The Abomination. A movie about huge-teethed tumors that feast on human flesh just like your obese ass feasts on turkey and stuffing!

There are many VHS I get excited about. Hell, there’s even many VHS that cause me to start jumping up and down like a teen girl at a Green Day concert. But very few VHS make me stage pictures of myself cuddling and sleeping with them on my pillow. I don’t think a single one has, actually, until now. Once I got my greasy paws on this rarity of 80s horror I couldn’t help but cheat on my girlfriend. I mean, the movie is a gorefest about huge monster tumors that force a guy to murder all his friends and mother in order to feed their own insatiable hunger! Literally nothing sounds better.

The movie opens with basically a “best of” reel of all the cool gore and monster effects. It’s a pretty ass backwards thing to do and spoils nearly the whole movie, but that doesn’t matter. This shit is good enough to see more than once. The lead character, Cody, keeps waking up from these “dreams” screaming his lungs out. He decides to visit a shrink  (who sounds like a mixture of the killer in Joy Ride and Mr. Mackey from South Park) and discuss these nightmarish problems. He talks about how in his dream he sees a girl putting flowers on a grave and “the abomination” makes him stop to slit her throat. The shrink starts asking questions so Cody goes back to the beginning of the story.

Before going further, one thing that should be noted about this “Cody” guy, besides that he sounds like Dante Hicks from Clerks, is he tries to rock the dark sunglasses + mullet combo, proving yet again this combination is hideous. He also tries to be cool, but lives with his mother. He’s nearing the age of 30, at least, and still lives at home. Give it up already! To Cody’s dismay, his mom has recently become obsessed with a TV evangelist by the name of Brother Fogg. She says that Bro Fogg told her she has a tumor in her lungs, even though a real doctor said she was perfectly healthy. When she begs Cody to stay home and take care of her, he straight up disses her and leaves the house to see his “girlfriend” Kelly. During the night the mom starts having a fit and coughs up a bloody slab of meat that begins pulsating. You know the rumor about eating seven spiders a year while you sleep? Well, you know the rumor about eating a bloody pulsating tumor while you sleep? Neither did Cody or else he would have went to sleep with his mouth hole protected.

The tumor takes over Cody’s body and starts making him get sick until one day he coughs up a tumor of his own. He decides it would be a genius idea to stick it under his bed like a piece of bubblegum or a nasty booger. He thinks nothing of it and goes to hang out with his hick friends. You know you’re a redneck when your joke ends with “That pig was so good to us we couldn’t bare to eat him all at once.” How is that even remotely funny? The only fun thing for these hicks to do in this podunk town is joke about pigs and to drive along side of each other and throw beers between the two cars and get wasted. Oh, and get eaten by monsters, too.

Cody returns home to realize the monster under his bed has now grown to be huge and requires feeding. He goes on a killing spree and murders one of his friend’s by slicing her throat and then he feeds her corpse to the huge puppet under his bed. Somehow he coughs up another tumor and realizes this thing has taken over his body. While this is all happening the mother goes to visit Bro Fogg and thank him for helping her get rid of the tumor. Fogg is literally crucifying his toilet with a huge dump when she gets there which sets up a moment later on in the movie.

When the mom gets back the different tumor monsters have taken over all the household appliances from the washer to the sink and all of the cupboards. For what feels like a half hour the mom screams as loud and annoyingly as possible as different monster mouths pop out of various spots in the house. Finally one of the monsters uses its tongue to rip her head off and eat her. The screaming was so unbearable I thought my downstairs neighbors were going to call the cops considering it was 5:14 a.m..

Now Cody decides to pay Brother Fogg a visit by placing a monster in the guy’s toilet. He first stuffs a cat in the toilet to hold the monster over until the next Fogg dump. I eat at Chinese buffets nonstop and have some disgusting shits, but never one that literally ate me alive. Poor Bro Fogg.

My favorite scene in the movie is definitely when Cody pays his huge-afro-having boss a visit:
Boss: I thoughts yous was sick?
Cody: I’m better…. Want a beer?
Boss: Hells yes.

“Aaaahhhh!!” He reached to grab a beer and loses his hand, and then Cody takes a chainsaw to the guy’s head and his brains slop out all over the ground.

The grand finale is a battle between him, his girlfriend Kelly, and the monsters. Kelly wins when she stabs him in the stomach with a shovel releasing a crazy monster that was living inside him. Credits. But then over the credits you hear Cody talking to his doctor again about these “dreams.” The doctor says, “Those weren’t dreams. Seven people are dead. Did you kill them?” “No! It wasn’t me! It was THE ABOMINATION!”

This movie is an absolute classic. The acting is atrocious, the whole movie looks like a Brother Fogg turd, it’s poorly dubbed, and it goes on too long, but that all adds to its charm. The effects are amazing and plentiful. It always remains fun and takes itself seriously, while still being playful and hilarious. You don’t get movies like this anymore. It’s a blast and a perfect “so-bad-it’s-good” watch. I cannot recommend this one enough. It’s a must have for any collection.

The Abomination was released in the late 80s by Donna Michelle Productions (Cannibal Campout, Splatter Farm) and is perhaps the most sought after of all their seven releases. It’s not the hardest one to find, that’s either Monsters & Maniacs or Rock and Roll Mobster Girls, but it’s quite possibly the best film they ever released and has yet to receive a full-fledged DVD release (besides one that you specifically have to order through the company Muther Video). The chances of finding this one for under $50 is very slim and when one pops up many people fight over it. Do yourself the favor and break down and buy this one regardless of price. It’s a must for any VHS collection. Without knowing it, I have actually found and bought the first three movies Bret McCormick (who is still working today) made: Tabloid, this, and Macon County War. I can’t wait to watch them and look forward to reviewing those in the future!

Again, Happy Thanksgiving and when you’re taking that Thanksgiving dump make sure to first look in the toilet for… The Abomination!

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

By Dan Kinem

How was the whole redneck hillbilly eats human meat idea started, anyway? I mean, yeah, rednecks are annoying as fuck and borderline retarded, but cannibals? That seems like a strange jump in logic. Though it wouldn’t come as a surprise if that scumbag Larry the Cable Guy was found out to be raping young girls and cooking them. Regardless, Cannibal Campout fits in that long-lasting subgenre with the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Motel Hell, yet is in a category all its own. It’s god-awful in every way, but somehow has a charm to it; partially because it feels like a home movie gone horribly wrong and partially because it doesn’t take itself seriously.

Right off the bat you are reminded of childhood and your dad filming pointless bullshit on an over-sized video camcorder, then those memories are chopped away, literally. A girl completely decked out in high bunched-up socks, a headband, a sleeveless over-sized shirt, and a Walkman (that somehow manages to never skip as she jogs down the street) is on a daily run that comes to a tragic end. Little does she know a guy with one of those pilot gas masks with long tubes hanging from them is waiting to kill her with an axe. Splat. Cannibal Campout.

Truly a great opening to a movie that’s supposedly “based on true events.” In comes our cast of hateable dorks, including “Friend-of-the-Director-Who-Can-Barely-Talk-Because-He-Has-So-Much-Spit-In-His-Mouth-and-Always-Wears-Movie-Shirts” Dork, “Poor-Man’s-Slut-Because-They-Couldn’t-Find-a-Real-Slut-So-They-Had-To-Settle-For-a-Hideous-Girl-With-No-Neck” Dork, “Basketball-Shaped-Head-With-Two-Strands-of-Hair” Dork, some random horse bitch, and finally, the director himself, pretending like he’s good enough to play the leading man.

School’s out so of course going on a camping trip into the middle of nowhere is top priority. On the ride to the camp you get not only a sing-a-long, but a terrible joke-a-thon, too. “What’s more disgusting then a pile of dead babies? A live one at the bottom eating its way out!” Haha, classic. They get to the woods, finally, but run into hillbilly killers who immediately start harrassing them and flirting with the girls. “You suck my cock and I’ll lick your pussy.” They’ve got mad game, for sure. They do a little too much macking, though, which allows the car full of geeks to drive away. Safe and sound. For now…

The hicks plan their attack at their hideout in the woods. For some reason their secret spot consists of a grill, a mannequin shrine, a Santa Claus holding a bomb cardboard standee, a dinner table, and of course rotting human flesh. They are a hilarious bunch of characters including a raspy-voiced psycho who screams “It’s a small world” for about 3 minutes straight (worth the price alone), the aforementioned gas-masked freak who looks identical to Toxie from The Toxic Avenger, and finally a guy who is so normal it’s hilarious. His delivery is so deadpan yet sadistic I can’t help but laugh. “Soup’s on.”

They begin killing each one off and torturing them. The chinless girl gets her throat slit open, the main guy gets a machete through the skull, the pumpkin-headed guy gets axed, and the other girl gets her baby (who we find out about through a hilariously meaningless dramatic scene) torn out of her womb. It’s almost too quick. I’d love to watch this group of maniacs kill for hours. I rarely say this about ‘Shitfest stuff, but this deserved a sequel!

The music, which is played every thirty seconds or so, sounds identical to the opening piano in Aerosmith’s “Dream On”. I kept praying that would kick on the entire movie. You also get a great bonus during the end credits: a fully recorded version of the song they were singing in the car!!

The movie was released by Donna Michelle Productions and was a huge hit for them and paved the way for more shot-on-video releases from the company. I can definitely see why, as this might be my favorite SOV movie I’ve seen so far. It has everything I look for: bad acting, gore, nudity, sleaze, hideous actors, and the warm glow that can only be achieved by filming on a video tape. The movie has since been released on DVD by Camp Motion Pictures (and again with the big box of The Basement) but the VHS remains rare for nostalgic purposes. It’s definitely a must for any VHS collection and is well-worth tracking down. The director followed this up with another SOV flick, Woodchipper Massacre, but stopped making movies for nearly a decade. He is back into the game, however, still keeping the amateur splatter alive. Highly recommended.

Editor’s Note: VHShitfest does not discriminate against cannibals. We fully understand there’s children starving in China who would kill for human flesh. We do however agree that Larry the Cable Guy and any other redneck “comedian” is scum.

By Dan Kinem

The slumber party slasher sub-sub-genre may be my favorite ever. You get the unrealistic, albeit amazing, situation where a bunch of at least slightly attractive females spend the night together getting naked, having pillow fights, and getting picked off one by one. What’s not to love? Some would say The Last Slumber Party is what’s not to love about the genre, but for me this is one of the most underrated so-bad-it’s-good movies of all time.

A mental patient armed with the weakest weapon I can think of, a scalpel, escapes from the hospital and no one really seems to care. There’s even a conversation between the nurse and the doctor (who is the main girl’s father) before he escapes where the nurse says the patient would kill him if they cut out his brain and he says, “That’s exactly why we have to do it.” After he threatens murder no precautions are taken and he literally walks right out the front door.

Coincidentally the day he escapes is the last day of school and it’s time to get wild! Introducing our leading skanks: There’s the prude, who is of course the hottest of the bunch and the one least likely to strip, and then there’s her hideous and slutty friends. They attempt to pass off as high school students but no one is buying that for a second. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the guys in the movie look like they range from the ages 25 to 39 and they are the biggest bros in the world. All they do is make fun of a nerd in school by calling him “Science” and try to get these girls into bed. As if you needed any further proof that they were worthless bros, at one point, as one of them is climbing through the girl’s bedroom window, he says he can’t fit because his dick is too big!

“Yeah, dude, she’s not wearing a bra, bro!”

The plot centers around a slumber party where the girls cock tease the guys while the one’s mom sleeps upstairs. The dad is away from home just chilling at the hospital. Instead of worrying about the killer that’s on the loose, all he worries about is bringing home orange juice for his bitchy wife. Why the hell does she want orange juice that bad? Who seriously needs to drink orange juice in the middle of the night and can’t wait till the morning? Psycho.

One by one the girls will go have sex with the bros, but decide to take a shower beforehand and get killed. It happens at least twice, if not three times. One of the most bizarre scenes/fake-outs in the history of cinema features “Science” climbing through the window out of nowhere looking like the actual killer and killing one of the bros with a scalpel. In the background the actual killer pops up from behind the bed like “What the fuck?!” That really pisses him off and he runs and massacres Bill Nye the Science Guy.

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!”

The editing in that scene is so confusing and terrible words cannot do it justice. Just watch it for yourself:

Later, one of the other bros is killed and wrapped up in a blanket. His girlfriend begins to look and can’t find him so she says, “He took the bed spread. I think he must have gone to sleep outside.” Nice fucking try. Are you serious? How could someone write that and be like, “Yep, that’s good.” It’s like they didn’t even try. Why would he be sleeping outside for no reason?!

The movie continues to remain enjoyable because of some really funny and cheesy lines like, ” Let’s go wrestle up some ‘menfolk’. I’m going to the kitchen to munch out!” and “Like yeah. Like wow, man. Mellow out!” There’s also an insane amount of ridiculous and over-the-top homophobia from the girls in the movie. It’s pretty funny, actually. Not because I support that, but because it feels so out of place and strange. Randomly one of the girls will be like, “Where’d that faggot go?” And each one says “homo” and “queer” about 20 times. The director was a closet homosexual, obviously. Keeping with the hilariously over-the-top sexism, one of the girls asks to be excused and one of the bros replies, “No! Just because you live here doesn’t mean you can just do whatever you want around this place.” Completely out of nowhere he puts her in her place!

The movie became so terrible during some parts, though, that Dabeedo and I began arguing about which of the hideous girls had bigger boobs. It was a new low for VHShitfest. Picture Tim drooling, passed out on the couch with his body hanging half off and a Coke spilling onto my couch, and me screaming, “No, the rat face girl has bigger tits!” It was just pitiful.

Pretty soon each one of the characters has been killed except for the main girl and her father (who still isn’t home with that orange juice!). The main girl and the killer end up battling and somehow both wind up passed out on the ground. You don’t know who is dead and who isn’t. Then the screen goes black.

I immediately started talking about how little sense the ending of this movie made, but before I could finish they somehow made it even more confusing. It cuts back from black and first, you see the dad killed at the hospital in an elevator. Then, he is magically floating face down in the family swimming pool. His daughter awakens and dives in to try to save him, but guess who’s in the water? Crazy eyes! He cuts her throat, but then she wakes up in her bed and it was all a dream! THEN, on the radio you hear “the killer is loose,” which for some reason triggers her to walk way outside of her house and look around as the killer hilariously creeps right inside the door. She returns and gets her throat cut again. So basically, none of the movie happened except the last two minutes, which had already happened two minutes before that! UGGGHHHHHH. As infuriating as this ending is, it’s soooo insane that you just have to laugh. I mean, what in the fuck was the writer thinking? A dream? Kill me.

The technical aspects of the movie are pure shit. During the whole movie I couldn’t figure out if it was shot on 8mm, 16mm, video, or a fucking Game Boy Camera! The cinematographer must have been really nervous around all these “good-looking” babes, too, because the camera never can stay steady and goes in and out of focus constantly. You know that dream effect most TV shows and movies use? Well, I thought that was happening every other scene!

I do need to note that the killer should have gotten an award for eye performance. He has the most expressive and over-the-top eyes I’ve ever seen. With each frame he’s on the screen you get a sense of sheer terror because of his beady eyes alone.

As the box so proudly displays, the soundtrack is done by the 80s hair metal band Firstryke (of Last Slumber Party fame). The metal flows like blood in this movie, and the only thing sicker than the riffs is the sadistic mental patient who massacres these women!

^Could anything be more metal?

I was surprised to see the movie was directed by Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith, too. It seems unlike an insanely famous rock star to stoop so low. I was praying the entire time that “Sweet Emotion” would kick in and I’d wake up from my nightmare revealing Dazed and Confused was just starting. I’m never that lucky…

No matter how bad the movie technically is, it doesn’t mean I didn’t have a blast watching it. I’d even go as far as to say this deserves much more attention and appreciation then it gets. Most people write it off like it’s one of the worst movies ever made or something. If you think that’s even remotely true then you haven’t seen enough movies. This is fun 80s cheese that belongs in anyone’s horror collection.

The VHS was released through United Home Entertainment in a straight-to-video release to capitalize on their previous popular horror titles like Blood Cult and The Ripper. It’s a a cool tape to have, but not a very rare one. You can also get this movie on DVD in a double feature with Terror at Tenkiller, but trust me, with trash like this, VHS is the way to go (like always).

(Source: vhshitfest)