Posts tagged John Duncan

By Dan Kinem



Anyone who’s read any of my reviews knows there’s nothing better than a slasher, except for a slasher that was shat-on-hideo that is. The Hackers is one of the rarest of its kind and is likely on most horror fans’ wishlists, if they’ve heard of it. The second I saw the cover I knew I must own this movie, no matter what it took. Thankfully, the hype I built around this was actually met and the movie is a hilarious time capsule of late 80s Michigan that I’m happy to be able to watch and laugh at (and occasionally with)!



The first 20 minutes or so is honestly a gift from God. It opens with a hitchhiker (Dave Duncan) sticking his thumb out for a ride and it getting sliced off by a knife from an oncoming truck… The Hackers repair truck to be exact! The rockin’ theme song, “The Hackers,” kicks right in as you’re introduced to The Hackers Family. You get “Pa” Hacker, the leader of the clan, who is a ridiculous, borderline narcoleptic, 80-year-old man who’s always disgruntled, there’s also Arnie, who “never did grow right” (whatever that means), and finally, the Leatherface of the family, Junior, who bit his tongue off and got chewed up by a chainsaw when he was younger, so now he wears fake, 25 cent novelty teeth and half a tin foil mask.



They spend their time doing odd jobs around town, killing people for fun, and playing on the jungle gym. If someone has a problem with the shoddy job they did on their roof, The Hackers just take a machete and kill the mother fucker. It’s absurd these guys could still be in business since they murder all their customers without getting paid. How do they not get caught? “Pa” even lets Junior and Arnie play around in the daylight at a local park, just minutes after they slit some random punk chick’s throat. It’s pure hilarity to see these two freaks running around with little children, climbing the monkey bars and sliding down slides.



After the glorious playground scene the movie does begin to drag. There are long stretches where literally nothing happens. Characters just walk around mumbling nonsense to themselves. You do get a priceless death scene where a man screams in pain and they use sound effects of a baby crying, but beyond that, the movie doesn’t pick up till the last 25 minutes, where it turns into Straw Dogs. The Hackers begin work on a woman’s house (who would hire them I don’t know) and they harass her and watch her shower. All I could notice is how she didn’t get naked and how her hair is more feathered than a fucking chicken (see cover). She eventually has to make a run for it or else she’d probably get raped by Junior.



She’s chased by the lead characters and has to fight them off one by one. She finally kills them, steals their truck, and is driving away when Junior jumps out of the back and grabs her. It would have been an incredibly dark ending till you find out IT WAS ALL A DREAM and she wakes up!



The movie sticks out above many late 80s slashers because you can feel the sense of community and you honestly feel like everyone, from the housewives to the local drunkards, helped out. It’s great to know that everyone in the town of Croswell, Michigan thought this low budget horror movie was worth working on. Not to mention, none of the people even feel like they’re acting (whether that’s a good thing or not I can’t decide), especially “Pa,” played by Howard Coburn. He really makes the movie, with his constant crotchety attitude and violent behavior. It’s a pleasure to watch the man go from chopping a dude’s shoulder with a machete to reminiscing about his love of boats to taking five naps an hour. I’m sure you’re napping in Heaven, Howie. Thank you.

The Hackers was always on my list of movies I must find. I never thought it would be possible because whenever this bad boy popped up, which was very rarely, it would sell for around the $100 mark. Then the day came where I said “fuck it,” I’m going to win this tape no matter what it takes. I was sick of not owning it and wondering when the next time the damn thing would pop up. So I bid hard. Hard as fuck. I went all out and now I can proudly say it’s mine. Apparently only 3,000 copies were sold back in the late 80s (which can only be assumed is inflated to make it seem more impressive), which makes this a really hard one to come by. It was the sixth release by Camelot Studios, a company that is still around today. They specialized in releasing various shot-on-video projects in the mid-to-late 80s with movies like The Earhunter, Black River Magic, and Black River Monster. I cannot stress enough, if you have the ability to get this tape, do it, because it’s a hard beast to obtain but well worth it. Anyone who appreciates movies like 555, Cannibal Campout, and Sledgehammer will love this film to death. I do wish it would have taken a cue from Black River Monster and only been an hour long, but at 80 minutes it never completely overstays its welcome or gets boring. Overall, it’s a joy to watch and you can buy DVD-R copies and posters (!) straight from Camelot Studios here.

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

by Tim May

Welcome to Camelot Studios weekend! This interesting Michigan based studio released six movies in the mid-to-late eighties including The Earhunter (1985), Black River Magic (1985), The Black River Horse Capades (year unknown), and The Hackers (1988). The company still exists, though they no longer produce features; these days, they prefer to focus on commercials and industrial videos. Later this weekend, Dan will review The Hackers, but let’s start things off with the bizarre shot on video kids’ movie, Black River Monster.

Now, Black River Monster is most definitely the rarest movie we’ve ever reviewed. It had one of the smallest print runs of any of the Camelot releases, it has no IMDb page, and there are no other reviews anywhere on the internet. What makes it even more of an oddity is its affiliation with the Black River Farm and Ranch, a summer camp for girls based in Croswell, Michigan. It’s about halfway between a movie and a promotional video for the camp.

As the movie begins, one of the campers is scared off by a “monster,” who looks like your average sasquatch/big foot/skunkape. She runs off to get “Mr. D,” presumably the owner of the ranch (in the movie, and probably in real life, at least at the time the movie was made), to look into it for her. Of course, there’s no sign of the monster, but he did leave a giant footprint in the barn.

Despite being called Black River Monster, this movie is really about a fat guy named Leroy who lives with his mother (who looks exactly like him). Leroy’s mom is sick of his lazing about, so she gets him a summer job at the Black River Ranch. Now, Leroy is a miserable asshole who can’t accept this kindness. He just wishes he could “get something more in his line of work,” which seems to be eating a lot of Little Debbie’s.

Leroy is too fat and lazy to walk to the ranch, so he hitchhikes. He’s picked up by a couple of ridiculous creatures literally named Louie and Sleaze.

These guys make him sit in the bed of their pick-up truck and drive so fast he tumbles around for the whole ride. Watch the clip below and tell me you can’t hear the Dukes of Hazard theme kick in as soon as they hit the gas pedal.

Black River Monster is all over the place, tonally. It often feels like a kids’ movie, but then it goes and makes a bunch of mean-spirited fat jokes about Leroy. Even the kindly Mr. D berates Leroy for being lazy and for sleeping on the job. I thought this was mean at first, but Leroy is constantly complaining about everything. Just do your job, fatass. You’re not an air traffic controller, you’re a ranch hand. Scoop cow shit, motherfucker.

The monster almost always feels like an afterthought until the film’s climax, in which Louie and Sleaze return to try to steal some of the ranch’s horses in order to sell them and make a “quick buck.” Here is where the monster has his greatest moment. He picks Louie and Sleaze up by the throats and chokes them for a full minute. Crime doesn’t pay when the Black River Monster is afoot.

Leroy and Mr. D find Louie and Sleaze passed out in the barn and turn them in to the police. All of the campers (portrayed by actual campers from the summer the movie was shot) rally around Leroy. Sadly, one of these poor little girls was forced to say Leroy was “kinda cute.” Yuck. Anyway, Mr. D gives Leroy the rest of the day off, but asks if he could close the barn door first. Leroy obviously can’t appreciate Mr. D’s kindness and must complain that there’s “always one more thing to do.” You can’t get through life this way, Leroy. Do some work, lose some weight, and avoid a heart attack. When he goes to close the door, the monster appears and Leroy goes running like a little bitch. Credits.

At a brisk 50 minutes, Black River Monster is light, stupid fun. You can buy a DVD copy directly from Camelot Studios at their website. Camelot still produces promotional videos for Black River Farm and Ranch, but this obscurity is a charming time capsule for an incredibly specific and elite group (campers and councilors who were at the ranch the summer the movie was made). Basically, it’s an elaborate yearbook with a lot of fat jokes and a dopey ape costume.

Most of the images in this review were provided by our boy, Grant Cornelison.

(Source: vhshitfest.com)