Posts tagged comedy

By Dan Kinem



Those that are reading this are likely to know the name Donald Farmer by now. He is the director of such infamous horror films as Demon Queen, Savage Vengeance (the unofficial I Spit on Your Grave sequel), and Cannibal Hookers. Vampire Cop happens to be the first film of his we are reviewing and we’ve struck so-bad-it’s-good gold with this one. If the tagline, “He takes a bite out of crime!” doesn’t get you, then the cover with a scantily clad busty female, handcuffs, and a vampire about to bite will.



The movie opens up at a dance club with rockin’ music playing and kids moshing around like fools. I think one of the lines in the song was something like, “Life in the fast lane can be a thrill, till you pass the slow kill” (or something corny like that). After the credits roll you are introduced to some lovely prostitutes partaking in a “best bod” contest and the horny guy who wants to buy them. They leave the contest to go have sex with this guy for money ($600 for both of them to be exact), only problem is their pimp, Hans Geiger, busts down the door lookin’ for that money these bitches owe him! They fell for the old “room service” trick and now they must meet their maker! Bang bang! (Get it? ‘Cause the guy was about to bang two girls but ended up getting shot.)

While this is happening another guy is picking up a girl for a night of fun, at least it was fun until VAMPIRE COP LUCAS comes to save the day. He breaks the guy’s arm in half and takes a huge bite from his neck. While I don’t agree with Vampire Cop Lucas’ methods, he gets the job done. Lucas has been after Hans Geiger for months because he’s the “city’s #1 drug dealer” and with a name like Hans Geiger, who wouldn’t want to kill this guy? “Geiger” was likely picked because that is just a classic/cliche-sounding villain name and “Hans” was probably picked to show the villain had class and a foreign accent.



Lucas’ partner is killed on duty and now this shit becomes personal. He ends up teaming up with reporter, Melanie Roberts (played by the beautiful scream queen, Melissa Moore or “Melissa Moored Cannon” as she’s credited on the front cover), to put a stop to Hans once and for all. During this stretch of the movie Melanie and Lucas have sex, Lucas and some other girl have sex, and Lucas and yet another girl have sex. These are strange methods for a cop, but dammit he gets the job done.



We’re expected to believe this is what an on duty police officer looks like.

One of the most hilarious lines in the movie comes after Melissa Moore’s character finds out the cop’s true identity: “I should have realized this by now, you don’t go out in sunlight, you don’t even cast a reflection in the mirror… you’re a vampire! Aren’t you!?” Aaahh, durrrr.

The movie ends in a battle of slow motion vampires vs. sunlight. It turns out that Hans is also a vampire and he burns up in the sun thanks to Melanie pulling the blinds open. The twist at the end revealing Melanie is also a vampire is a hilariously unnecessary one, but too fun not to like.



Despite what most people say about this movie, it wasn’t shot on video, it was shot on 16mm (it just looks like ass). I don’t understand the almost universal disdain for this movie. It immediately kicks into action, which I love, has an actual plot, has some fun actors (like Mal Arnold aka Fuad Ramses from Blood Feast as Lt. Ryan), tons of nudity (including Melissa Moore!), and doesn’t overstay its welcome. I had a blast watching this and it does everything a movie called Vampire Cop should do. Don’t take the movie so seriously and you’ll definitely enjoy it.


Lucas’s transcension into a vampire looks like he’s taking a huge shit — what’s not to like?

The release that I watched was put out by C/FP (Cineplex/Famous Players) Distribution (though the back has a sticker that says distributed exclusively by Cineglobe Video). Regardless, this is the Canadian release of the movie and features very similar artwork to the U.S. release by Atlas Home Entertainment (but the slight differences make me prefer the Canadian art more). Somewhat surprisingly this movie was never released on DVD, which strikes me as odd considering it wasn’t shot on video, has a few cool horror actors, and has a widely appealing gimmick. If you want to check this movie out, the only place is beautiful VHS!

One of the funniest death’s in the movie befalls Lt. Ryan:

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

By Dan Kinem

Imagine a world where sex is banned, where all the buildings are made of tubes, where robots sing and dance, and where we have the ability to shrink people. According to this particular film that world was 12 years ago! Cinderella 2000 does what nearly every futuristic film from the 60s and 70s did, it makes outrageous and humorous predictions of what the future will be like, but what sets this movie apart from the rest is there’s singing and dancing! And sex! (despite what I said above)



I did not expect to like this futuristic retelling of Cinderella nearly as much as I did, but master B-movie director Al Adamson (Horror of the Blood Monsters, Satan’s Sadists) knows how to make a damn entertaining and trashy exploitation film! In the year 2047 (I know, I know, the title is Cinderella 2000. The title lied to us all!), Earth is run by an impotent “controller” who thinks fornication is dirty and should be banned. He realizes this method isn’t working when he sees that crime, fornication, and rape have all skyrocketed (no surprise). Despite screaming at the public via TV transmission to, “Cut out the goddamn screwing, I mean it!” no one listens and everyone everywhere is doin’ it.



Because making whoopee has been banned for so long most people don’t even know how to do it, but that doesn’t stop them from trying. They just roll around on top of one another hoping something happens. They try everything, even drawing out diagrams of spaceship-like penises, but nothing works and they are caught by a deeply disturbed sex-hating robot that runs around and stops people from boning, takes them back to his dungeon, bubble-wraps them (?), and then shrinks them for six months as punishment. The only people that are allowed to make love are the second-in-command and random girls decided by a sex lottery.





Now, I bet you’re all asking, “Dan, what the hell does this have to do with Cinderella?” Well, we’re finally introduced to Cindy, her Austrian-sounding mom, and her two bitchy/horny sisters (strangely one of them African American…). The whole family treats Cindy like shit, making her scrub the floors, sew their outfits, and whatnot. Cindy finally gets the day off after three months of straight working and she goes to have a picnic all alone… or so she thinks.



In the future not only is everyone horny, they all gel their hair into weird shapes and wear chrome clothes and huge bows.

A fairy godmother godfather comes down in a spaceship to interrupt the picnic and teach Cindy about love and sex. He brings some aliens with him as well as his magic wand, which he uses to turn animals into people with animal costumes on. He sings a song “We All Need Love” which is fucking fantastic and a bunch of humans with bunny, deer, and squirrel costumes dance around, as well as the two weird aliens with giant lips and spaghetti hair that he brought. It is catchy gold that I have been singing all week.



^Creepiest thing ever.

The story pretty much plays out how you’d expect from this point on. The commander is throwing a ball to bring up morale and the fairy godfather gives Cindy a makeover and sends her off but says to be back by midnight or else. She falls in love with the second-in-command and then they are separated at midnight. The only difference is instead of trying to match the right foot to shoe he has to match the right pussy to dick. The strangest part comes when Cindy and her new lover finally get together, her new lover and her fairy godfather force her to give oral sex to the commander in order to make him realize sex isn’t all bad. It was basically on screen rape, but Cindy didn’t seem to mind so it’s all good!

The movie ends with everyone happy and everyone fucking their brains out. I had a blast watching this and it doesn’t drag for even a second. It works perfectly because it has the humor of classic 70s porn with a dash of originality. The filmmakers had to find other ways to entertain besides hardcore sex and through that you get catchy songs, robots, and interesting sets. I highly recommend this for any fans of exploitation. It’s hilarious and Cindy is hot as fuck, no pun intended.


Lol.

The VHS was released by Super Video in the U.S. with Super Video’s trademark amazing cover art. It’s pretty rare, especially because it was one of their later releases, but it isn’t as in demand as their horror titles or their early clamshells with printed on artwork (though I’m not a huge fan of those personally). Vogue Video also released this film in Canada with the “hotel version” on it which features a voice requiring you to pay after 15 minutes. I’d love to get that version at some point. There’s also a quality DVD out there with commentary by producer Sam Sherman (who we had the pleasure of interviewing for the documentary) and two versions of the film. The only problem with the DVD is the artwork doesn’t come close to the fantastic VHS art.

^You can watch the whole movie above!

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

By Dan Kinem



So many things should have scared me away from this one. Not only is Rock N Roll Mobster Girls a nearly two-hour-long shot-on-video comedy, it also features the delusional marketing scheme making itself out to be Spinal Tap 2. I ignored these facts and took it like a man. I didn’t run away when I saw “110 minutes,” rather, I popped this into the player and never looked back. I was determined to conquer this beast, more out of a self-test of endurance rather than for entertainment (similar to that one time I stomached all the Hellraiser films). As the end credits finally rolled I prayed for God to take my life, but looking back now I realize Mobster Girls is proof there is no God. My only purpose in life now is to steer you unsuspecting fools away from this painful, post-Chinese buffet diarrhea shitfest.


(Crisp and clear print)

The movie attempts to be Spinal Tap but with chicks and punk music, except the only problem is they forgot to include the humor that made that original film so great. “Are you ready to be Spinal Zapped?!” Please. Who the fuck are you kidding?

RNRMG takes place in Seattle in the late 80s just before Nirvana took over the scene. The band the movie focuses on is Doll Squad, who was actually a semi-popular band in the 80s (mostly because they played with Nirvana once) and recently reformed in 2008. You can tell the band is having fun making the movie but they aren’t taking it seriously. None of the actors were. I cannot stand when movies are trying to force corny, shit-eating-grin delivered jokes down my throat (see clip below). I feel like I’m watching outtakes from a high school short film rather than watching an actual movie.



It’s a shot-on-video m[r]ockumentary that features interviews with local people around the scene at the time. They are attempting to get to the bottom of what happened to the Doll Squad and where they are currently. According to the film, their manager, Bruno Moltrock (great name), was an insane killer and the band disappeared. Doll Squad are painted to be a notorious and vital band in the scene that rose from eating out of dumpsters to having a song on the radio. Moltrock stops at nothing to make these girls popular and to control them… he even kills everyone who gets in his way. He goes on a slashing spree stabbing different people and eating their guts. Yes, they try to mix cannibalism into this movie for no reason.



Moltrock brainwashes the girls and changes their sound in order to gain popularity. People begin to notice things aren’t right — that the girls aren’t like they used to be — and a couple friends of the band come to the rescue just seconds before Moltrock tries to kill and torture the band members for his own sadistic pleasures. One of the girls in the band is finally able to get revenge on the manager by taking a corkscrew and screwing his head off of his neck. The movie crosses over into poor man’s Troma-terrority when Moltrock still has the ability to talk and his body is still moving around. Moltrock’s body continued to roam around the city and attend shows, annoying all in attendance.



There’s a subplot that tries to be the main supplier of humor where the girls owe money to their crazy landlords, The Count and Countess. The Count’s face is “mutilated” with cotton balls and Band-Aids for some reason. He also chooses to use a fake Arnold accent the entire movie as if he wasn’t annoying enough. No point to this “plot” at all.



This was one of the worst movies I ever sat through. It managed to do every single thing wrong — from the overly long running time, to the flubbing of every single line that is delivered. It runs 110 minutes and features about 40 minutes that don’t even matter. There’s a scene with the one band member’s father where he talks about a lump on his arm for 10 minutes and there’s even a 15 minute scene where a car won’t start. The actors are continually seen laughing during their scenes and oftentimes it will cut an entire poorly delivered chunk of dialogue out so you have no idea what is going on. The humor crosses from not being funny into being painful to listen to. The movie also looks like complete shit. It reminded me of an unintentional “So What’cha Want” video homage.



This VHS is incredibly rare. It was released by Donna Michelle Productions (Cannibal Campout, Attack of the Killer Refrigerator, The Abomination, Woodchipper Massacre, Splatter Farm, and Monsters and Maniacs) and is probably the second rarest release put out by them (the rarest being Monsters and Maniacs, which I need, so help me out if you have that or Splatter Farm). It’s no surprise this is hard to find since I assume anyone who rented it destroyed it immediately. There’s also such a small demand for a comedy on an all-horror label that very few were probably printed. It sucks I had to drop a decent amount of money in order to get this one. Not that I’m not happy I own this, but I think most people who want this honestly don’t know how terrible it is or else they wouldn’t be after it. The cover is fun and it definitely is a cool piece of history, especially for fans of punk and Seattle locals, but it’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched. Stay far away from this one unless I hate you, which, in that case, hunt this bad boy down!

Rick Werner Fahr also made one other movie with Doll Squad after this called Attack of the Hideopoid. I’m dying to watch that one (haha) so hook me up if you have a copy. Don’t even know who released it.

by Tim May

We’ve got a rare one for you today, folks! The obscure romantic dramedy Jerry Maguire is another overlooked film by generally overlooked filmmaker Cameron Crowe, whose other movies include the forgotten teen film Say Anything and the unfairly hated Almost Famous. He finally scored a massive hit last year with We Bought a Zoo, a film which will penetrate our culture for years to come.

Jerry Maguire stars Tom Cruise, the cult actor from Top Gun, as a sports agent who’s had it with all the dishonesty which comes with that seedy profession and writes a manifesto, in which he proposes a complete overhaul of the way his firm operates. This bit of hubris leads to his firing, but not before a lemonfaced single mother named Dorothy (played by Renee Zellweger) basically falls in love with him and his philosophy. When Jerry asks everyone in his office if anyone wants to come with him and form the ideal sports agency, only she accepts.

Jerry has other supporters, however. Rod (Cuba Gooding, Jr., whose career went nowhere but up after this film) is a wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals who wasn’t happy with the contract he had at Jerry’s old firm, so he decides to give Jerry’s new way of doing things a shot. He’s having trouble getting more clients, sadly, and on top of that, his fiancé Avery breaks up with him. You can see where this is going.

Jerry Maguire is ultimately a redemptive film. Jerry’s guilt over his industry’s shady dealings is healed by not only his articulation of all these problems in his manifesto, but also by his newfound love with Dorothy, his new friendship with Rod, and his new role as a father figure for Dorothy’s annoying kid.

This also a movie with a lot of would-be classic dialogue, if anybody had embraced it. Come on, America! “Show me the money!” “You complete me.” “You had me at ‘hello.’” Adopt these lines and run them into the ground in inappropriate everyday usage and hacky parody until they’re no longer effective in their original context! It’s what you do best.

There’s a lot to recommend about Jerry Maguire. It’s not as strong as Almost Famous or Say Anything, but it’s a good movie. I would recommend checking it out, but you’ll have a lot of trouble finding it. You can’t just go into any old thrift store and find thirty or forty copies all over the floor. This ain’t Tales from the Quadead Zone, bitch. Be jealous.

The VHS was released by Columbia Tri-Star Home Video, who also released many rare titles like Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Men in Black.

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

by Tim May

Allan Arkush’s 1978 Roger Corman-produced, P.J. Soles-starring, Ramones-featuring teenage rebellion movie Rock ‘n’ Roll High School has long been one of my favorites, and I’ve long been curious about its latter day Corey Feldman-starring sequel, Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever.

The sequel picks up many years after the events of the first film, the end of which, you’ll recall, featured the students declaring their school “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School” and blowing it up. Now, on the anniversary of the explosion, the students at the now rebuilt and renamed Ronald Reagan High celebrate “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Day,” when they can do whatever they want, without (at least in their eyes) any fear of punishment. Jesse Davis, played by God himself, Corey Feldman, seems to be the leader of these rabble rousers.

Jesse and his friends are in a band called the Eradicators, who, like all the hottest bands of the early ‘90s, mostly play covers of ‘50s rock ‘n’ roll standards. Songs like “I’m Walkin’” are simply too dangerous for the “yuppettes” of the school, who plan all the school dances which the Eradicators want to play.

Meanwhile, the school’s principal, as evidenced by the events of Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Day, in which the students flooded the bathrooms, is unable to handle the disciplinarian part of his job, so the district brings in someone new- Doctor Vadar, played by Mary Waronov, who you may recall played the new disciplinarian Evelyn Togar in the original film. I’m not sure why they changed her character’s name, other than to provide us with a pretty hacky Star Wars joke. She was one of the funniest things about the first movie; she’s nearly insufferable here. I can’t really say why and I don’t fault Waronov, since it’s a pretty similar performance, but I think a little of her character (whatever name you choose) goes a long way.

After ruining a school dance by playing the Satanic “Tutti Frutti” and starting a food fight, Vadar bans the Eradicators from ever playing on school grounds again. With his bandmates Jones, Mag, Stella, and Asian stereotype Namrock, Jessie goes to the boys’ bathroom to seek help from the legendary Eaglebauer, a character who you may remember being Clint Howard in the first film. That’s right—even Clint Howard thought he was above Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever.

The Eradicators and the new Eaglebauer (who’s now transformed into drunk Michael Keaton) hatch a plan to make sure they get to play the prom, no matter what Vadar or the dreaded Yuppettes may want. Once they get in, they hatch another plan to seduce Vadar and shoot video of her and a student in an intimate situation, so that they can broadcast it to the whole school during their prom performance. The seduction and subsequent sex scene is incredibly unfunny and awkward.

When Vadar is revealed as the apparent pederast she is, she goes insane, twitching like a maniac, hopping in her car and driving it right through the Eradicators’ stage and into the school. Jessie and his boys line much of the school with gasoline, Vadar crashes, and the school blows up, just like it did in the first movie—exactly like it did, actually, stock footage and all.

Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever also features many subplots which go nowhere, including a riff on the first movie where Jessie and the gang are trying to win tickets to a concert, but this time, instead of the Ramones, it’s Canadian power pop non-luminaries The Pursuit of Happiness, who also composed the film’s decent, if unremarkable theme song. Jessie also has the hots for the substitute music teacher, played by Sarah Buxton. There’s a strange sequence in which Mojo Nixon, of all people, plays the “Spirit of Rock ‘n’ Roll,” and sings a forgettable song to Jessie about continuing the spirit of rock or whatever.

On its own, Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever is a decent teen romp, but it pales in comparison pure chaos and farce of Riff Randell’s adventures with the Ramones.

The movie was released on VHS in a slipcase by Live Entertainment, which put out a wide variety of movies and were perhaps most notable for being Family Home Entertainment’s primary distributor. The film was released on DVD in a double feature with a fellow obscure Corey Feldman movie called South Beach Academy.

(Source: vhshitfest.com)