Posts tagged comedy

By Dan Kinem



So many things should have scared me away from this one. Not only is Rock N Roll Mobster Girls a nearly two-hour-long shot-on-video comedy, it also features the delusional marketing scheme making itself out to be Spinal Tap 2. I ignored these facts and took it like a man. I didn’t run away when I saw “110 minutes,” rather, I popped this into the player and never looked back. I was determined to conquer this beast, more out of a self-test of endurance rather than for entertainment (similar to that one time I stomached all the Hellraiser films). As the end credits finally rolled I prayed for God to take my life, but looking back now I realize Mobster Girls is proof there is no God. My only purpose in life now is to steer you unsuspecting fools away from this painful, post-Chinese buffet diarrhea shitfest.


(Crisp and clear print)

The movie attempts to be Spinal Tap but with chicks and punk music, except the only problem is they forgot to include the humor that made that original film so great. “Are you ready to be Spinal Zapped?!” Please. Who the fuck are you kidding?

RNRMG takes place in Seattle in the late 80s just before Nirvana took over the scene. The band the movie focuses on is Doll Squad, who was actually a semi-popular band in the 80s (mostly because they played with Nirvana once) and recently reformed in 2008. You can tell the band is having fun making the movie but they aren’t taking it seriously. None of the actors were. I cannot stand when movies are trying to force corny, shit-eating-grin delivered jokes down my throat (see clip below). I feel like I’m watching outtakes from a high school short film rather than watching an actual movie.



It’s a shot-on-video m[r]ockumentary that features interviews with local people around the scene at the time. They are attempting to get to the bottom of what happened to the Doll Squad and where they are currently. According to the film, their manager, Bruno Moltrock (great name), was an insane killer and the band disappeared. Doll Squad are painted to be a notorious and vital band in the scene that rose from eating out of dumpsters to having a song on the radio. Moltrock stops at nothing to make these girls popular and to control them… he even kills everyone who gets in his way. He goes on a slashing spree stabbing different people and eating their guts. Yes, they try to mix cannibalism into this movie for no reason.



Moltrock brainwashes the girls and changes their sound in order to gain popularity. People begin to notice things aren’t right — that the girls aren’t like they used to be — and a couple friends of the band come to the rescue just seconds before Moltrock tries to kill and torture the band members for his own sadistic pleasures. One of the girls in the band is finally able to get revenge on the manager by taking a corkscrew and screwing his head off of his neck. The movie crosses over into poor man’s Troma-terrority when Moltrock still has the ability to talk and his body is still moving around. Moltrock’s body continued to roam around the city and attend shows, annoying all in attendance.



There’s a subplot that tries to be the main supplier of humor where the girls owe money to their crazy landlords, The Count and Countess. The Count’s face is “mutilated” with cotton balls and Band-Aids for some reason. He also chooses to use a fake Arnold accent the entire movie as if he wasn’t annoying enough. No point to this “plot” at all.



This was one of the worst movies I ever sat through. It managed to do every single thing wrong — from the overly long running time, to the flubbing of every single line that is delivered. It runs 110 minutes and features about 40 minutes that don’t even matter. There’s a scene with the one band member’s father where he talks about a lump on his arm for 10 minutes and there’s even a 15 minute scene where a car won’t start. The actors are continually seen laughing during their scenes and oftentimes it will cut an entire poorly delivered chunk of dialogue out so you have no idea what is going on. The humor crosses from not being funny into being painful to listen to. The movie also looks like complete shit. It reminded me of an unintentional “So What’cha Want” video homage.



This VHS is incredibly rare. It was released by Donna Michelle Productions (Cannibal Campout, Attack of the Killer Refrigerator, The Abomination, Woodchipper Massacre, Splatter Farm, and Monsters and Maniacs) and is probably the second rarest release put out by them (the rarest being Monsters and Maniacs, which I need, so help me out if you have that or Splatter Farm). It’s no surprise this is hard to find since I assume anyone who rented it destroyed it immediately. There’s also such a small demand for a comedy on an all-horror label that very few were probably printed. It sucks I had to drop a decent amount of money in order to get this one. Not that I’m not happy I own this, but I think most people who want this honestly don’t know how terrible it is or else they wouldn’t be after it. The cover is fun and it definitely is a cool piece of history, especially for fans of punk and Seattle locals, but it’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched. Stay far away from this one unless I hate you, which, in that case, hunt this bad boy down!

Rick Werner Fahr also made one other movie with Doll Squad after this called Attack of the Hideopoid. I’m dying to watch that one (haha) so hook me up if you have a copy. Don’t even know who released it.

by Tim May

We’ve got a rare one for you today, folks! The obscure romantic dramedy Jerry Maguire is another overlooked film by generally overlooked filmmaker Cameron Crowe, whose other movies include the forgotten teen film Say Anything and the unfairly hated Almost Famous. He finally scored a massive hit last year with We Bought a Zoo, a film which will penetrate our culture for years to come.

Jerry Maguire stars Tom Cruise, the cult actor from Top Gun, as a sports agent who’s had it with all the dishonesty which comes with that seedy profession and writes a manifesto, in which he proposes a complete overhaul of the way his firm operates. This bit of hubris leads to his firing, but not before a lemonfaced single mother named Dorothy (played by Renee Zellweger) basically falls in love with him and his philosophy. When Jerry asks everyone in his office if anyone wants to come with him and form the ideal sports agency, only she accepts.

Jerry has other supporters, however. Rod (Cuba Gooding, Jr., whose career went nowhere but up after this film) is a wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals who wasn’t happy with the contract he had at Jerry’s old firm, so he decides to give Jerry’s new way of doing things a shot. He’s having trouble getting more clients, sadly, and on top of that, his fiancé Avery breaks up with him. You can see where this is going.

Jerry Maguire is ultimately a redemptive film. Jerry’s guilt over his industry’s shady dealings is healed by not only his articulation of all these problems in his manifesto, but also by his newfound love with Dorothy, his new friendship with Rod, and his new role as a father figure for Dorothy’s annoying kid.

This also a movie with a lot of would-be classic dialogue, if anybody had embraced it. Come on, America! “Show me the money!” “You complete me.” “You had me at ‘hello.’” Adopt these lines and run them into the ground in inappropriate everyday usage and hacky parody until they’re no longer effective in their original context! It’s what you do best.

There’s a lot to recommend about Jerry Maguire. It’s not as strong as Almost Famous or Say Anything, but it’s a good movie. I would recommend checking it out, but you’ll have a lot of trouble finding it. You can’t just go into any old thrift store and find thirty or forty copies all over the floor. This ain’t Tales from the Quadead Zone, bitch. Be jealous.

The VHS was released by Columbia Tri-Star Home Video, who also released many rare titles like Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Men in Black.

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

by Tim May

Allan Arkush’s 1978 Roger Corman-produced, P.J. Soles-starring, Ramones-featuring teenage rebellion movie Rock ‘n’ Roll High School has long been one of my favorites, and I’ve long been curious about its latter day Corey Feldman-starring sequel, Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever.

The sequel picks up many years after the events of the first film, the end of which, you’ll recall, featured the students declaring their school “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School” and blowing it up. Now, on the anniversary of the explosion, the students at the now rebuilt and renamed Ronald Reagan High celebrate “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Day,” when they can do whatever they want, without (at least in their eyes) any fear of punishment. Jesse Davis, played by God himself, Corey Feldman, seems to be the leader of these rabble rousers.

Jesse and his friends are in a band called the Eradicators, who, like all the hottest bands of the early ‘90s, mostly play covers of ‘50s rock ‘n’ roll standards. Songs like “I’m Walkin’” are simply too dangerous for the “yuppettes” of the school, who plan all the school dances which the Eradicators want to play.

Meanwhile, the school’s principal, as evidenced by the events of Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Day, in which the students flooded the bathrooms, is unable to handle the disciplinarian part of his job, so the district brings in someone new- Doctor Vadar, played by Mary Waronov, who you may recall played the new disciplinarian Evelyn Togar in the original film. I’m not sure why they changed her character’s name, other than to provide us with a pretty hacky Star Wars joke. She was one of the funniest things about the first movie; she’s nearly insufferable here. I can’t really say why and I don’t fault Waronov, since it’s a pretty similar performance, but I think a little of her character (whatever name you choose) goes a long way.

After ruining a school dance by playing the Satanic “Tutti Frutti” and starting a food fight, Vadar bans the Eradicators from ever playing on school grounds again. With his bandmates Jones, Mag, Stella, and Asian stereotype Namrock, Jessie goes to the boys’ bathroom to seek help from the legendary Eaglebauer, a character who you may remember being Clint Howard in the first film. That’s right—even Clint Howard thought he was above Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever.

The Eradicators and the new Eaglebauer (who’s now transformed into drunk Michael Keaton) hatch a plan to make sure they get to play the prom, no matter what Vadar or the dreaded Yuppettes may want. Once they get in, they hatch another plan to seduce Vadar and shoot video of her and a student in an intimate situation, so that they can broadcast it to the whole school during their prom performance. The seduction and subsequent sex scene is incredibly unfunny and awkward.

When Vadar is revealed as the apparent pederast she is, she goes insane, twitching like a maniac, hopping in her car and driving it right through the Eradicators’ stage and into the school. Jessie and his boys line much of the school with gasoline, Vadar crashes, and the school blows up, just like it did in the first movie—exactly like it did, actually, stock footage and all.

Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever also features many subplots which go nowhere, including a riff on the first movie where Jessie and the gang are trying to win tickets to a concert, but this time, instead of the Ramones, it’s Canadian power pop non-luminaries The Pursuit of Happiness, who also composed the film’s decent, if unremarkable theme song. Jessie also has the hots for the substitute music teacher, played by Sarah Buxton. There’s a strange sequence in which Mojo Nixon, of all people, plays the “Spirit of Rock ‘n’ Roll,” and sings a forgettable song to Jessie about continuing the spirit of rock or whatever.

On its own, Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever is a decent teen romp, but it pales in comparison pure chaos and farce of Riff Randell’s adventures with the Ramones.

The movie was released on VHS in a slipcase by Live Entertainment, which put out a wide variety of movies and were perhaps most notable for being Family Home Entertainment’s primary distributor. The film was released on DVD in a double feature with a fellow obscure Corey Feldman movie called South Beach Academy.

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

by Tim May

The opening credits of Herb Robins’s The Worm Eaters set the tone for the film which follows. Names appear over crude illustrations of worms acting like humans—eating dinner, prancing around in the sun and whatnot. This is all set to an obnoxious song which endlessly chants, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms!” Ugh. This was going to be one of those movies. Those movies that try way too hard to be funny, and in the process, aren’t funny at all, intentionally or unintentionally.

The film follows a German immigrant named Umgar (portrayed by Robins himself), who runs a “restaurant” by a lake in some faceless American small town. After three fishermen disappear, the mayor and his cronies want to eliminate the lake and surrounding area and build some attraction which will bring outside business to the town. The only problem: Umgar won’t give up his deed.

One of the town’s local business owners calmly explains everyone’s concerns during a town meeting in this scene:

Little does the mayor know that Umgar also has the ability to communicate with worms. When this is first revealed, Umgar practically makes love to his bucket of worms before feeding them with what looks like baking soda. Soon after this, a mysterious woman named Heidi, with an accent which can only be described as vaguely European, arrives at Umgar’s home, seemingly in an attempt to seduce him, for whatever reason.

Now, this Heidi character was already pretty annoying, but when she discovers Umgar’s bucket of worms, she crosses an unforgivable line.  In her hysterical outburst caused by the sight of Umgar’s budding worm colony, Heidi proclaims, “It looks like Chinese food! I HATE CHINESE FOOD!” Are you kidding me? Chinese food is absolutely delicious.

It was hard to go on after the movie reminded me there are people in this world who don’t like Chinese food. After that soul crushing fact left me in tears and questioning all reasons to go on living, I looked back up at the TV and saw that all the townspeople were unhappy with Umgar’s selection of food, as his was the only restaurant which had resisted the mayor’s plan. A bunch of girls come by and give Umgar unending shit because he doesn’t serve hot dogs. They claim he should just get out of the country if he’s not willing to serve “our” food. Xenophobic bitches.

Now, around this time, I was really craving some General Tso’s Chicken and white rice, but I knew I’d never finish the movie if I left to go eat, so I sucked down some Coke and returned my attention to the screen. At this point, the three fishermen from the beginning of the film appear to Umgar. Umgar and the rest of the town had presumed them to be dead, but one of them helpfully explains that they now simply “reside under the red tide.” They are “not worm, nor man (when they appear in physical form, it is quite clear they are both worm and man).” Apparently, the fishermen’s newfound underwater non-worm/non-man existence is lacking in one area: worm/man pussy. They recruit Umgar to find them three suitable mates in the next three days.

In some combination of motivations, either revenge or fear of the fishermen, Umgar begins feeding everyone in the town worms, which now magically turn them into half men/half worms. Soon, the film devolves into chaos with most of the cast turning into some form of worm creature. At some point in there, Umgar kidnapped one of those hot dog girls and the whole land plot got lost in there somewhere.

This movie was “presented” by Ted V. Mikels, the director of the popular film The Astro-Zombies. I’ve sadly not seen any of his work, but I hope none of it is as inept and as unfunny as The Worm Eaters. The VHS we have was released in a clamshell by World Video Pictures, the company famous for releasing Slegehammer, as well as Attack of the Beast Creatures, Criminally Insane, and Big Foot. Their covers are universally great, even this one, with its vintage MAD Magazine vibe. There are only two problems with this cover: its claim to be a “comedy” (nice try) and its even more ridiculous tagline, “An Immortal Film of Our Time.” I think the caliber of humor on display in the latter handily disproves the validity of the former.

Besides World Video, the movie managed to get at least two other VHS slipcase releases. It also was released a couple times on DVD, both with the same cover as the VHS. If you somehow managed to actually enjoy this movie, then the DVD is worth picking up because it has a commentary with Ted V. Mikels. But if you are sane, then wanting special features to go along with this movie didn’t even cross your mind.