Posts tagged monster

By Dan Kinem



If you couldn’t tell by the bad ass cover, Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake is about a crazy half-frog/half-human monster and his regular-sized frog minions fiercely and furiously protecting a mountain of gold at the bottom of a lake. Sadly, few plot outlines have promised so much, yet delivered so little.



The movie focuses more on the boring lives of the characters rather than showing any frog action. Kelly, our male lead, is telling his girlfriend all about when he was 11-years-old and found a strange bone fragment, a fragment that could obviously only belong to some bizarre half-human/half-frog-like creature. Kelly was the king as a kid, and just like myself, he also drinks nonstop bottled Coke and stashes beef jerky chunks in the front of his overalls. But, unlike myself, his only friends are his pet skunks and a crazy hillbilly hermit named Charlie, who has the ability to talk to goats.



Charlie is the only one who believes Kelly when he thinks something fishy is going on in the lake, but little does Kelly know, Charlie is hiding a deep dark secret. Occasionally, the frog-man will pop out and kill, but it’s always so quick you can’t tell what the hell is going on. I kept hoping you would get some crazy long-frog-tongue carnage, but instead, the monster chooses to kill with a spear. The only time you get any evidence that there’s even a monster doing the killing is when you see a green flipper under the murky water.

The movie focuses most of its energy on the bland story of Hermit vs. The Loggers. Charlie the Hermit will run around shooting at these loggers to try to get them to leave the woods, but all it does is piss them off. Around this point is where I started pulling a Tim (aka struggling to stay awake at 6 p.m.), but the possibility of maybe getting to see the monster kept my eyes open. Instead of the monster, all I got was real frogs, who would come out of the water to nibble and stare at people.



Finally, the legend of Shadow Lake is revealed: Years ago, a guy found a gold pebble and threw it into the lake. The water began to bubble and boil and Rana appeared at the surface and was super pissed off. He demanded more gold, so in order to appease the monster, the entire town threw all of its gold to the bottom of the lake. Now the monster lives every day of its life fearing someone will take the gold, while the decedents of the townsfolk (who call themselves “frog people”) give it more gold and feed it. Charlie is the last of these frog people left and continues to feed it, which all reminded me of that terrible movie, Lake Placid.

It does start to get good at the end, though, after one of the loggers shoots Charlie. Rana gets fucking ticked off and comes jetting out of the water and starts wrecking people. He blows through Kelly and his family’s front door, steals some chick, blows the entire house up, pounds some dude’s head into a tree, and disappears. Fast forward to the present day and Kelly has the genius idea to go looking for Rana’s gold. Big mistake. Of course, Rana is still alive and kicking and the second Kelly and his girlfriend find the gold, he comes chasing after them. Credits. So, after all of that, it leaves me asking the question: Why does a frog need gold?



Few movies have had so much potential, yet failed on every level. Rana was directed by one of the masters of the cheesy horror movie, Bill Rebane (Capture of Big Foot, The Giant Spider Invasion), but features too many boring side-plots to become so-bad-it’s-good. It does have some laugh-out-loud moments, however, like the use of “Swan Lake” during a shoot out near a lake. Talk about on the nose. And, of course, the plot itself, which is the one thing that makes me want to still recommend this boring, mess of a movie. It’s godawful, but I would still say it’s worth owning and watching at least once just to say you’ve seen a movie about a frog who loves gold.



The movie has had a bunch of different releases, most notably this big box release through Active Home Video and a clamshell through the Canadian distributor, Astral Video. The movie rights were later bought by Troma (no surprise) and the title was brilliantly changed to, Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell for a bare-bones DVD release. Stick with any of the VHS.

Someone also uploaded the whole movie to YouTube here.

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

by Tim May

Welcome to Camelot Studios weekend! This interesting Michigan based studio released six movies in the mid-to-late eighties including The Earhunter (1985), Black River Magic (1985), The Black River Horse Capades (year unknown), and The Hackers (1988). The company still exists, though they no longer produce features; these days, they prefer to focus on commercials and industrial videos. Later this weekend, Dan will review The Hackers, but let’s start things off with the bizarre shot on video kids’ movie, Black River Monster.

Now, Black River Monster is most definitely the rarest movie we’ve ever reviewed. It had one of the smallest print runs of any of the Camelot releases, it has no IMDb page, and there are no other reviews anywhere on the internet. What makes it even more of an oddity is its affiliation with the Black River Farm and Ranch, a summer camp for girls based in Croswell, Michigan. It’s about halfway between a movie and a promotional video for the camp.

As the movie begins, one of the campers is scared off by a “monster,” who looks like your average sasquatch/big foot/skunkape. She runs off to get “Mr. D,” presumably the owner of the ranch (in the movie, and probably in real life, at least at the time the movie was made), to look into it for her. Of course, there’s no sign of the monster, but he did leave a giant footprint in the barn.

Despite being called Black River Monster, this movie is really about a fat guy named Leroy who lives with his mother (who looks exactly like him). Leroy’s mom is sick of his lazing about, so she gets him a summer job at the Black River Ranch. Now, Leroy is a miserable asshole who can’t accept this kindness. He just wishes he could “get something more in his line of work,” which seems to be eating a lot of Little Debbie’s.

Leroy is too fat and lazy to walk to the ranch, so he hitchhikes. He’s picked up by a couple of ridiculous creatures literally named Louie and Sleaze.

These guys make him sit in the bed of their pick-up truck and drive so fast he tumbles around for the whole ride. Watch the clip below and tell me you can’t hear the Dukes of Hazard theme kick in as soon as they hit the gas pedal.

Black River Monster is all over the place, tonally. It often feels like a kids’ movie, but then it goes and makes a bunch of mean-spirited fat jokes about Leroy. Even the kindly Mr. D berates Leroy for being lazy and for sleeping on the job. I thought this was mean at first, but Leroy is constantly complaining about everything. Just do your job, fatass. You’re not an air traffic controller, you’re a ranch hand. Scoop cow shit, motherfucker.

The monster almost always feels like an afterthought until the film’s climax, in which Louie and Sleaze return to try to steal some of the ranch’s horses in order to sell them and make a “quick buck.” Here is where the monster has his greatest moment. He picks Louie and Sleaze up by the throats and chokes them for a full minute. Crime doesn’t pay when the Black River Monster is afoot.

Leroy and Mr. D find Louie and Sleaze passed out in the barn and turn them in to the police. All of the campers (portrayed by actual campers from the summer the movie was shot) rally around Leroy. Sadly, one of these poor little girls was forced to say Leroy was “kinda cute.” Yuck. Anyway, Mr. D gives Leroy the rest of the day off, but asks if he could close the barn door first. Leroy obviously can’t appreciate Mr. D’s kindness and must complain that there’s “always one more thing to do.” You can’t get through life this way, Leroy. Do some work, lose some weight, and avoid a heart attack. When he goes to close the door, the monster appears and Leroy goes running like a little bitch. Credits.

At a brisk 50 minutes, Black River Monster is light, stupid fun. You can buy a DVD copy directly from Camelot Studios at their website. Camelot still produces promotional videos for Black River Farm and Ranch, but this obscurity is a charming time capsule for an incredibly specific and elite group (campers and councilors who were at the ranch the summer the movie was made). Basically, it’s an elaborate yearbook with a lot of fat jokes and a dopey ape costume.

Most of the images in this review were provided by our boy, Grant Cornelison.

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

By Dan Kinem

Happy Thanksgiving ‘Shitheads! In honor of this great holiday where students are freed from torturous schoolwork and fat lards are given a free pass to get lardier, I present a review for… The Abomination. A movie about huge-teethed tumors that feast on human flesh just like your obese ass feasts on turkey and stuffing!

There are many VHS I get excited about. Hell, there’s even many VHS that cause me to start jumping up and down like a teen girl at a Green Day concert. But very few VHS make me stage pictures of myself cuddling and sleeping with them on my pillow. I don’t think a single one has, actually, until now. Once I got my greasy paws on this rarity of 80s horror I couldn’t help but cheat on my girlfriend. I mean, the movie is a gorefest about huge monster tumors that force a guy to murder all his friends and mother in order to feed their own insatiable hunger! Literally nothing sounds better.

The movie opens with basically a “best of” reel of all the cool gore and monster effects. It’s a pretty ass backwards thing to do and spoils nearly the whole movie, but that doesn’t matter. This shit is good enough to see more than once. The lead character, Cody, keeps waking up from these “dreams” screaming his lungs out. He decides to visit a shrink  (who sounds like a mixture of the killer in Joy Ride and Mr. Mackey from South Park) and discuss these nightmarish problems. He talks about how in his dream he sees a girl putting flowers on a grave and “the abomination” makes him stop to slit her throat. The shrink starts asking questions so Cody goes back to the beginning of the story.

Before going further, one thing that should be noted about this “Cody” guy, besides that he sounds like Dante Hicks from Clerks, is he tries to rock the dark sunglasses + mullet combo, proving yet again this combination is hideous. He also tries to be cool, but lives with his mother. He’s nearing the age of 30, at least, and still lives at home. Give it up already! To Cody’s dismay, his mom has recently become obsessed with a TV evangelist by the name of Brother Fogg. She says that Bro Fogg told her she has a tumor in her lungs, even though a real doctor said she was perfectly healthy. When she begs Cody to stay home and take care of her, he straight up disses her and leaves the house to see his “girlfriend” Kelly. During the night the mom starts having a fit and coughs up a bloody slab of meat that begins pulsating. You know the rumor about eating seven spiders a year while you sleep? Well, you know the rumor about eating a bloody pulsating tumor while you sleep? Neither did Cody or else he would have went to sleep with his mouth hole protected.

The tumor takes over Cody’s body and starts making him get sick until one day he coughs up a tumor of his own. He decides it would be a genius idea to stick it under his bed like a piece of bubblegum or a nasty booger. He thinks nothing of it and goes to hang out with his hick friends. You know you’re a redneck when your joke ends with “That pig was so good to us we couldn’t bare to eat him all at once.” How is that even remotely funny? The only fun thing for these hicks to do in this podunk town is joke about pigs and to drive along side of each other and throw beers between the two cars and get wasted. Oh, and get eaten by monsters, too.

Cody returns home to realize the monster under his bed has now grown to be huge and requires feeding. He goes on a killing spree and murders one of his friend’s by slicing her throat and then he feeds her corpse to the huge puppet under his bed. Somehow he coughs up another tumor and realizes this thing has taken over his body. While this is all happening the mother goes to visit Bro Fogg and thank him for helping her get rid of the tumor. Fogg is literally crucifying his toilet with a huge dump when she gets there which sets up a moment later on in the movie.

When the mom gets back the different tumor monsters have taken over all the household appliances from the washer to the sink and all of the cupboards. For what feels like a half hour the mom screams as loud and annoyingly as possible as different monster mouths pop out of various spots in the house. Finally one of the monsters uses its tongue to rip her head off and eat her. The screaming was so unbearable I thought my downstairs neighbors were going to call the cops considering it was 5:14 a.m..

Now Cody decides to pay Brother Fogg a visit by placing a monster in the guy’s toilet. He first stuffs a cat in the toilet to hold the monster over until the next Fogg dump. I eat at Chinese buffets nonstop and have some disgusting shits, but never one that literally ate me alive. Poor Bro Fogg.

My favorite scene in the movie is definitely when Cody pays his huge-afro-having boss a visit:
Boss: I thoughts yous was sick?
Cody: I’m better…. Want a beer?
Boss: Hells yes.

“Aaaahhhh!!” He reached to grab a beer and loses his hand, and then Cody takes a chainsaw to the guy’s head and his brains slop out all over the ground.

The grand finale is a battle between him, his girlfriend Kelly, and the monsters. Kelly wins when she stabs him in the stomach with a shovel releasing a crazy monster that was living inside him. Credits. But then over the credits you hear Cody talking to his doctor again about these “dreams.” The doctor says, “Those weren’t dreams. Seven people are dead. Did you kill them?” “No! It wasn’t me! It was THE ABOMINATION!”

This movie is an absolute classic. The acting is atrocious, the whole movie looks like a Brother Fogg turd, it’s poorly dubbed, and it goes on too long, but that all adds to its charm. The effects are amazing and plentiful. It always remains fun and takes itself seriously, while still being playful and hilarious. You don’t get movies like this anymore. It’s a blast and a perfect “so-bad-it’s-good” watch. I cannot recommend this one enough. It’s a must have for any collection.

The Abomination was released in the late 80s by Donna Michelle Productions (Cannibal Campout, Splatter Farm) and is perhaps the most sought after of all their seven releases. It’s not the hardest one to find, that’s either Monsters & Maniacs or Rock and Roll Mobster Girls, but it’s quite possibly the best film they ever released and has yet to receive a full-fledged DVD release (besides one that you specifically have to order through the company Muther Video). The chances of finding this one for under $50 is very slim and when one pops up many people fight over it. Do yourself the favor and break down and buy this one regardless of price. It’s a must for any VHS collection. Without knowing it, I have actually found and bought the first three movies Bret McCormick (who is still working today) made: Tabloid, this, and Macon County War. I can’t wait to watch them and look forward to reviewing those in the future!

Again, Happy Thanksgiving and when you’re taking that Thanksgiving dump make sure to first look in the toilet for… The Abomination!

(Source: vhshitfest.com)

by Tim May

Although Full Moon Pictures have produced some of our favorite films here at VHShitfest (Arcade, Shrieker), we’ve never reviewed a film directed by the founder of Full Moon himself, Charles Band. Hideous! is the first film of his we’ve checked out, and it doesn’t bode well for him as a cinematic storyteller.

Charles Band has an obsession with miniature versions of people, whether it’s dolls, midgets, or leprechauns, and Hideous! displays that fetish in a unique way: human embryos! A bunch of city dock workers fish up an embryo (or, as one of them calls it, “just one of them thangs”), and for some reason a bunch of people want it.

Hideous! is really about a bunch of idiots who collect useless shit like embryos and two headed babies and other weird “specimens.” There are two rival collectors, Dr. Lorca, a fake Russian, and Dr. Lazarre, who looks like the future leader guy from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Some double agent bitch named Belinda Yost, who’s working for both of them is trying to negotiate a deal for the “specimen” found at the beginning of the film. Lazarre gets to her first and buys it for 650,000 dollars, but Lorca sends his female assistant to rob Lazarre on the highway, topless and wearing an ape mask!

She ties Lazarre up, then gets her hands on the “specimen,” and drives away. Lazarre and Yost hire a private detective to investigate Lorca. When they confront Lorca, he challenges Lazarre to take a look at his collection of specimens, and if he can honestly say that any of Lazarre’s specimens are superior to any of Lorca’s, then he will return the stolen specimen. Viewing Lorca’s collection depresses the fuck out of Lazarre, who says his life and collection have been a “sham.” But—OH SHIT!—ALL OF LORCA’S HUMAN SPECIMEN’S ARE MISSING! Lorca obviously assumes Lazarre stole them somehow.

Sidenote: That bitch Yost constantly calls Lazarre (a black man) “Nappy.” Racist bitch.

Lorca locks everyone inside his castle until he finds out what happened to his “babies.” The specimens seem to be trapped in the walls, reading books! The specimens try to communicate with Lazarre’s crew. These are living specimens, and when Lazarre finds out, he fights Lorca to get them. The specimens are not pleased with their new adopted father, and begin shooting at all of them.

The specimens want to go off on their own, and tell Lorca, Lazarre, and the rest that they will die if they try to stop their escape. Somewhere in here, one of the specimens hilariously starts sucking one of the girl’s tits!

Lorca and Lazarre get into a duel, but the specimens kill both of them before a winner is determined. The only characters who survive are Sheila, the ape mask chick, and the private investigator. Of course, one of the specimens is attached to the bottom of their car as they drive away. What a great surprise ending. Ugh.

The whole concept of collecting “biological oddities” or “specimens” (this word must be uttered more than the word “sword” in Shanghai Killers) is idiotic. There’s absolutely no reason why anyone would want to collect this weird shit, unless, like Charles Band and his dolls (and audience, for that matter), they want to fuck them.

By Dan Kinem

This has been called one of the worst films ever made, but the people who said that clearly haven’t seen very many bad movies. I’d even go as far as to call this a classic. Having this sit on a shelf next to shit like Mazes and Monsters and Kraa! The Sea Monster makes this look even better. I mean, look at the fucking bird. Who could not love it? Made with a slew of other Godzilla rip-offs this is one of the better I’ve seen. It has stunning effects and some hilarious lines thrown in for good measure.

Clearly you are supposed to zone out the entire movie until the bird comes, though, right? That’s the only way to get passed all the filler parts. Just keep your ears open for lines like “That bird is as big as a battleship!” and “I might be losing my marbles!” Other than that wait till you see the glorious battleship in the sky causing destruction on pointless bodies there to be killed. The final shot will make a tear come to any grown man’s eye. I want the claw to live on. It is hilarious how fucking happy the guys who shoot the bird down are, though. They laugh their asses off, while I cry my ass off.

Don’t expect a masterpiece, because you may be disappointed. But you will have a good time (if you ignore all the bad parts and like shitty movies that is). I finally just remembered what the bird reminds me of. I had been pondering it for hours and it finally came to me. Beetlejuice when he is that weird snake like creature!! Burton probably ripped this shit off that little bitch. Anyways, the giant claw will always live on in my heart and could in your’s, too.